The Dance of Comunication

When my husband and I were talking about our wedding plans, we discussed dancing. And we discussed it again and again. You see, my husband is NOT a dancer and claims to have to left feet (I checked and he doesn’t). I on the other hand LOVE to dance. So, when we were talking about our wedding we had to compromise. Aren’t weddings a great place to practice the compromise that a marriage should have? I promised him that he’d only have to dance once with me and it would be during our first dance. But then, knowing how he felt about dancing (and not liking to be the center of attention) I took it a step further (no pun intended). I told him that during the first stanza he had to dance with me and that after that we would invite our wedding party on the floor and they would dance all around us so people wouldn’t be as focused on us anymore. He agreed to the compromise and we stuck to the terms we discussed. When the dance was over, I didn’t try and pry him back on the floor or pout that my husband only danced one song with me. Instead, I danced with our friends on the floor and he chatted with those who didn’t dance. At the end of the night, we left hand in hand with smiles on our faces (and bird seed in our hair).

Marriage is so much like a dance and communication is key to staying in step with one another. My husband and I will celebrate our five-year anniversary in July. Since our wedding day, we’ve become parents to two children. We’ve adapted our communication as our family has grown, but there are some main communication ideas that transcend any relationship.

1.     Start with respect for one another. Speak in a way that shows you respect the person with whom you are speaking and listen with the same mindset. Speak in a tone that conveys you care about how the other person feels and listen (don’t just hear) what his thoughts and opinions are on a matter.

2.     Wait for the right opportunity to have “big discussions” about important topics. Don’t throw an idea at your spouse as he is walking out the door to work or about to be away from you. Wait until the kids are in bed and you can talk face-to-face for uninterrupted time.

3.     Keep in mind that some topics take a lot of time (and many discussions) to conclude.

4.     Pick your battles. Seriously. If you are fighting over something, really examine the importance of it to you. If you realize you are arguing over something that’s less important to you than it is to your spouse then let it go. And let your spouse know WHY you are letting him “win” an argument. Make it a practice to let each other “win” as you figure out who is more passionate about the topic at hand.

5.     Before you commit yourself and your spouse to something, talk about it with that person first. Keep one calendar and talk to your spouse as you make plans. You will both feel more valued as you make each other number one when making plans.

6.     Keep your relationship baggage off social media. Seriously, can we stop this practice?? Getting a few “likes” from your girl friends as you husband-bash will only backfire on you. It’s super disrespectful to your spouse and it’s a cheap way to get attention. Just don’t do it.

7.     Lift each other up in front of each other. Compliment your husband in front of your friends. Brag on him. Go ahead and see what happens to your man’s countenance and demeanor. I promise you that you won’t be disappointed.

8.     In the same spirit, don’t tease or bash your spouse with your friends whether he is with you or not. You may say something in a moment of anger or frustration about your spouse and then later forgive him and forget about it. It’s much harder for family or friends to forgive and forget.

9.     Listen more than you speak. There’s a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. Really listen to your spouse and try not to interrupt. That’s a hard one and one that I struggle with constantly!

10.  “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God through Christ as forgiven you.” What a great verse and such words of wisdom. At the end of the day, let kindness, compassion and forgiveness win. If you do, then you’ll both be winners in your marriage and in other relationships.

It’s hard to go from being “numero uno” to married and having to think about the other person. The true challenge is making your spouse a priority. As you shift into that mindset you will find that it really makes the dance more fun. That and a good pair of shoes!

Strawberry Picking

Mike and I hadn't been strawberry picking together since "Round 1" when we were visiting friends in Seattle back in 2007. We'd talked about going earlier in the week, but the field was closed when we arrived so we had a "redo" and went on Saturday while my sweet aunt watched Isaac.

Isaac and his babysitter

The weather was beautiful and the berries were ripe for the picking. At $8 a bucket, they couldn't get much cheaper, either. We went to a local strawberry farm and soaked in the sun while we plucked the berries from their plants.

There's something so satisfying about hearing the sound of a perfectly ripe strawberry as it pops off the stem.

Pop, pop, pop...

Holding his empty bucket and ready to get started!

It was SO bright!

Getting there...

A perfect strawberry and really handsome guy!

Posing with our full buckets.

Our Meteor Shower Experience

Isaac woke me at 3:15 this morning and when he was done eating it was then I read about the meteor shower supposedly peaking at that time (2-4 AM EST). Isaac was back in bed so I walked outside to check out the shower. It was brilliant!! There were meteors falling all over in shorts bursts and they were as bright as planes. It was like no shower I had seen before. I watched for about thirty seconds and decided it was a show that Mike needed to see. I went back in the house and woke him.

"Mike!! There is a meteor shower outside and it's awesome. You should come see it. The meteors are like planes they are so bright and they are falling all around us!" 

Groggily he woke and he came outside with me. We sat in chairs on the porch and looked to the sky. Immediately, they were flashing.

"Look!" I pointed in the direction I saw one. "Did you see that one!?" I was so excited. How lucky were we to wake up and see this?

Mike paused. "That was a lightning bug."

Psh. I countered. "No, it was a meteor." 

We sat another thirty seconds and I saw another one. "How about that one? Did you see it?!"

"That was another lightning bug." 

It was then I realized two things. I really need new glasses and I had just woken my husband from a dead sleep to come watch bugs.

We sat there another 15 minutes staring into space and actually saw a really big meteor and two smaller ones (and tons more lightning bugs!). So, it wasn't for nothing. Additionally, it gave us something silly to laugh about.

On another plus side, regardless of cloud coverage, if I want to see another shower, I just have to put on my glasses and go outside again tonight!

 

And Baby Makes Three: A Look at How Having a Baby Together Changes Your Relationship

I was recently spending time with an unmarried friend who is on the verge of making "THE leap" into an engagement. I hadn't seen him in a while and we were talking about how having a baby changes many aspects of life. 

He paused and asked a question of which I answered poorly. For if I had time to truly reflect, I might have answered more appropriately. Instead, when he asked, "does having a baby change your relationship?" I answered, "Absolutely! But for the good. You experience ultimate highs and lows and see the awesomeness in the person you married."

If I had the opportunity to think and expand on my answer, here's what I would say:

1. The is a no more intimate moment than that of birth that will bring you closer together emotionally.
I don't consider myself a prude, but prior to being spread eagle on a birthing table with 20+ people around (seriously, where do all those doctors and nurses come from so quickly?!), I wasn't one to jump in quickly to the "let's show the world my body" line. When imagining that moment of birth, I naively pictured a doctor, nurse and my husband in a room while a small child emerged from my well-covered body. No one tells you that half the hospital is present when a baby comes into the world and there is no longer such a thing as privacy. Still, in that moment, no one also tells you that all that fades. In that moment, as my baby was placed on me, there was no one else I saw except for Mike. My dear, sweet husband, with tears in his eyes, was the only other person in the room (besides our new baby). My partner and soul mate for life, this man and I had just created something so special and sealed our love even more.

2. It's the "embarrassing" moments that help seal the relationship.
In the week after having a baby, a couple experiences SO many new things. For me, I kept pausing and reflecting on moments that I couldn't imagine having or wanting to experience with ANYONE else but my partner. For example, donning those ice packs and gauze-stuffed underwear that make granny panties look sexy. Dead sexy even. About 80% of the time I emerged from the bathroom after re-stuffing and situating the fluff in my hospital underwear I couldn't help but think, "I am so glad only Mike is here" and feeling no shame in front of him as I waddled back to my bed.

3. Small actions will make you fall in love with your spouse all over again.
Mike was so supportive and took the best care of both Isaac and me when we came home. In the weeks directly after having a newborn, one experiences sleep deprivation like no other level. Sure, people warn you about it, but until you're walking in that moment (probably sleep walking), you can't truly imagine it. Several times when I felt like I had surpassed walking zombie status, Mike looked at me and said, "go take a nap." When your husband tells you this, there is no questioning and only doing. Partly because the synapses aren't firing correctly to even cognitively form the question of "are you sure?" There were several times I would wake from a two to three hour uninterrupted nap and fall madly in love with my husband all over again as I looked at him holding our baby.

4. The "worse" in your "for better or worse" vows totally applies to your spouse's reactions to your physical and emotional adjustments post-baby.
Many moments come to mind immediately here, but I'll share one. About two weeks after beginning to breastfeed, I hit an emotional and physical wall. I'd read and heard that breastfeeding could be hard, but didn't quite realize the toll it takes on the body (and I was even blessed with a baby that knew how to latch well immediately)! One evening, when my nipples' pain could be only compared to lighting and holding a match to them, I crawled into bed topless (no material was coming near those nips!) and was on the verge of tears. Mike, seeing my pain, just hugged me gently around my waist. He simply whispered, "thank you" and I knew then I could make it a little bit longer.

5. You become a team like you never thought possible.
People become closer from shared experiences. Add intimacy, embarrassment, utter joy, lack of sleep and learning new skills to those experiences and the result is an even tighter bond. Plus, that bond becomes a well-oiled machine. Whether it's juggling baby and dinner making (Mike is an amazing cook!) or figuring out how one person can get sleep while the other calms the baby, there is no better way to strengthen your team.

6. You learn or re-learn what your partner prioritizes and you let him/her lean into those priorities.
Prior to Isaac, Mike knew I liked to nap; post Isaac and he learned that I actually used naps to function. Prior to Isaac, I knew Mike liked "alone time"; post Isaac, I realized he needs that time to re-energize and have an outlet for stress. I believe that if your relationship is healthy and time allows it, then you should let your partner lean into those desires. When one's basic desires are met and priorities managed, then it makes for a happier, more-fulfilled person.

7. You learn to communicate even better.
Mike and I communicate well with each other. We listen to one another, let our opinions be fairly heard and respect what the other thinks. Having a baby makes you have to communicate better. Who would have thought there would be conversations about which bottle in the fridge should be used first or why there is an importance to completely wrapping up a soiled diaper before throwing it into the pail? Small, important details begin to emerge and handling them with communication is so key. Otherwise, one finds herself fuming for the tenth time at a poopy diaper lying open in the top of a pail. Doesn't he KNOW that not wrapping it makes it smell worse? Well, apparently not until you communicate that. Last I checked, we humans couldn't read each others' minds...thankfully!

Had one told unmarried me these thoughts I might have shrugged them off or heard them and kept trucking through life. It wouldn't be until I truly had the experience of becoming a co-parent with my soul mate that they would register with new meaning. Of course, that's how life is, isn't it? Thank God for my spouse, for the baby who has allowed us to live on a new level and for the grace allowed by each of us as we navigate these new roles.