Friday, June 05, 2015

From Three to Four: A Reflection

The last entry I made on my blog was a love letter to our second child who will be arriving within the next 24 hours. The child will turn our family of three into one of four.

I've gotten pretty used to this family of three. We are in a state that is familiar. Sleep patterns, for example are familiar. I actually get sleep right now and I'm rather spoiled by how much. When we put Isaac to bed, Mike and I get some quality time together that consists of 2-3 hours depending on how late we stay up. When Mike gets up to go to work, Isaac will usually keep sleeping and I get another hour to myself to do with whatever I'd like (confession: usually this means I go back to sleep!).

Isaac had a night just last week that reminded me of the early days of his life. He'd wake, cry for me (and no, he wanted nothing to do with Mike who tried to help, but was rejected by a mommy-clinging, 19-month old boy), sleep for 10 minutes and wake again. The pattern repeated for hours and my weariness began overtake me. I couldn't help but wonder if it was God's way of reminding me what was in store in just a short time.

But besides sleep, I've grown comfortable in this role of a mom to a precious boy who (at this point in life) has eyes only for me when it comes to many moments in life. I'm enjoying this season of having time with my husband when we want it. We've both grown comfortable in our roles as parents to the point that they are natural. We've been able to shift our focus again to us.

So, as I look ahead to tomorrow, I have to tell myself to breathe deep. This is what we planned (RIGHT!?). We wanted this and I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mama to another precious life that God has deemed me worthy of pouring myself into.

Before I was pregnant, I heard moms confess a fear of their hearts not being big enough to properly welcome another child. How could they love it as much as their first? How could they split their attention among more than one and be fair to both? How could they still give their husbands the attention he deserves? Until I was pregnant I didn't get their fears. Now I do. I've had the same fears and questions. The answer I've heard from those who have crossed over from a family of three to four is: "your fears are valid, but your heart just gets bigger."

So, here I am. I feel as big as a house and wonder how anything in my body will expand. Physically, I feel like my heart is already crammed halfway up my neck. Yet I know something magical will happen with the birth of our second child: my heart will get bigger.

It will probably be the moment the nurses lay that little person on my chest, but who knows? Maybe it will be when I see Mike hold our second child for the first time. Or maybe, just maybe, it won't happen until Isaac, Mike and I are all snuggled around the baby as a family. Either way, this mama is looking forward to expanding more tomorrow. As I trade baby weight for the weight of being a family of four I will embrace it. This is part of how we women are made. Our hearts keep expanding and giving and our Creator keeps applauding and singing over us as He watches us grow.