Thursday, April 24, 2008

Which way is up again?

Things have been pretty busy here lately. Since I came back to town on Monday, I've been jumping from one thing to the next.

Tonight I have a 5k benefit run in which I'm participating. You can read more about it here. It's barely over three miles, but I'm a little nervous because my back right heel has been aggravating me. It feels like it may be my Achilles tendon, but I'm no doctor. So, my nervousness stems from health concerns rather than the distance.

Mallory told me of a half marathon in Richmond that's taking place in mid-November. I think I'm more apt to go to it than the one in RI because it's closer and I also imagine that things will be nutty during June with Mal's wedding around the corner (something she pointed out to me). So, I can train in plenty of time to do that.

Things are developing on the job front here in DC. I'm in talks with my boss and other superiors about some position shifting. While we're just talking, there may be opportunities for me to travel quite a bit with these shifts. That's pretty exciting!

This weekend is looking busy. I'm going with Drew to work on a run-down house on Saturday. We're getting together with a group of people he knows to paint, clean and make-over a house in SE. It's going to be an all day event!

On Sunday, I am helping a friend move in the afternoon. I have no expectations for Sunday night. I imagine that collapsing may be my only plan. IF I'm up for it, however, my church is having a talent show that night. So, I may go to that.

I'm happy to be consumed by happenings. It feels good to keep moving.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

All In

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, if I'm to be perfectly honest. One day I'm feeling confident in what's ahead (by God's grace) and others I'm a complete mess with my emotions teetering between sadness and anger.

God has been revealing things to me and I can count my blessings. With the door closing on our relationship, I can clearly see that it was the only door open to NC. There was no job offer and I hadn't looked at housing.

Meanwhile, Drew wants me to stay here and has extended an offer (which I've accepted) to live in the house. I spoke with my boss yesterday (for whom I enjoy working) and we talked about my future at the Council. It's looking prosperous and there are many opportunities for me to learn new skills and sharpen what I know. There were even talks of a title change.

I was telling some friends last night that this will be a year where I can truly live completely in DC. I always had a foot in NC and was ready to leave over a man. Now, I can truly plant both feet here and BE completely in this city. I love this city and it's been good to me. Who would have thought two years ago when I came to help my "baby sister" find an apartment that I would find myself here?

I'm looking forward to another summer in DC of Screen on the Green, Jazz in the Garden and patio sipping. There are museums to still see and friends to know deeper. There are memories to be made here and I'm ready to make them.

God has me here for a reason and I hope to honor that completely. Now I can.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Some thoughts

I'm thinking about doing this run in June: Fairfield Road Races in Connecticut. It's a half marathon, so it's three more miles than I ran last weekend.

My friend, Jennifer, who talked me into running the 10 miler and was my cheerleader as I trained, told me about it. She's from the area and has done the run. Apparently, it's not too hot (despite being in June) and is beautiful. Plus, we're about 45 minutes from NYC. So, there are talks of visiting the city before race day. We'll see.

I've collected come poems and verses that you all have sent me in support of what I'm going through with Mike. I've decided to document them here in case I should reference them again.

Why did he write to her
'I can not live without you?'
And why did she write to him
'I can not live with out you?'
For he went east, and she went west,
and they both lived.
-Carl Sandburg

And another...

I loved you once with all my heart

And in that time I knew

Whatever else my life might hold

I would remember you.

And a verse that mom shared with me while I stood in my heat (on race day) and waited for the "go" to be shouted:

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31

I meditated on that verse a lot while I was running. There is no doubt that my strength to finish came from God. My body was weak, my spirit was low, and my emotions high.

I've also been encouraged by John 15 & 16. I know that He is pruning me. I've heard His voice as he's spoken through others and confirmed my own thoughts. If I'm to bear fruit, I know this is part of the process. And wow... I'm surviving. Can't wait to see what's ahead.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Some Race Photos

Here is a link where you can view some of my race photos.

Mal is getting me another link where I will be able to share photos from her and my race. They'll come soon...

Monday, April 07, 2008

Race Results

I've never felt a high like yesterday when I saw the finish line and then raced across! Wow. It was amazing. I can understand now how people become addicted to the runs. The feeling while crossing that line is like no other.

I finished the ten miles in under two hours (1:54:52), which was a little surprising. My training had me paced at over two hours. The results are here. You can find my name easily by hitting (Control + "F") and then typing in my name. It has a breakdown of details.

Mallory and a my friend, Marie, both cheered me on as I ran. I saw them at the 5 mile marker and then again in the last mile. Despite her own soreness from her 10K the day before, Mal even ran with me the last 400 yards. It was touching and I cried at her support as she ran beside me, cheering and encouraging me. What a wonderful sister I have!

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and support that you have provided. I have felt deeply loved.

In addition to that news, Drew arrived from Morocco last night. We had a welcome home party for him and heard stories of his time abroad. He's happy to be back in DC and I'm excited that a close friend has returned.

I'm praying and examining my move to NC. In light of where Mike and I currently stand, I have no answer. I'll probably still shoot some resumes out and meet with some folks, but I have some big decisions to make. If Mike and I don't reconcile, it may be that I'm supposed to stay in DC and finish some business. What business that is, I'm not sure. Then again, I'm unsure about a lot of things these days.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

My Race

I'm running a tough race right now. I'm actually not running... I'm kind of sitting in this hole. A pit, really. It's dark and I'm pretty lonely, despite the care and love being showered on me. I think there's a disconnect right now from certain emotions all together. The ones I have left in my bag aren't leaving me with many options.

I've never had such a physical reaction to a breakup. Sometimes, as I circle to a memory of us or think about what I'd planned for my future, I feel this blow. Physically. I can't breathe. My heart pumps. My brain blanks. I can't think straight, I just feel... what?

What do I feel?

Overwhelmed. A word I've used too much, but that's really the only one I can use. How can you describe a pain and stab in your heart that makes your whole body crumble?

I'm floating when I'm not in my pit. I'm kind of outside my body. My body has no feeling. I'm not hungry and haven't been for three days. I think I've eaten about 1000 calories in three days. When I do eat, it's forced and I do it because I know people are watching me.

I think about what I face tomorrow at eight AM. I face another race. Not the one I'm currently running, where only emotions are in control. I'm facing ten miles and a bus that will scoop me if I can't hack it.

If there's ever a time a woman needs to beat a bus and cross a finish line, it's me and it's tomorrow.

Oh, God... help me.

I need to feel something other than I've been feeling for three days. I need to feel alive and like a human. I need this more than I've needed anything in a long time.