My Race

I'm running a tough race right now. I'm actually not running... I'm kind of sitting in this hole. A pit, really. It's dark and I'm pretty lonely, despite the care and love being showered on me. I think there's a disconnect right now from certain emotions all together. The ones I have left in my bag aren't leaving me with many options.

I've never had such a physical reaction to a breakup. Sometimes, as I circle to a memory of us or think about what I'd planned for my future, I feel this blow. Physically. I can't breathe. My heart pumps. My brain blanks. I can't think straight, I just feel... what?

What do I feel?

Overwhelmed. A word I've used too much, but that's really the only one I can use. How can you describe a pain and stab in your heart that makes your whole body crumble?

I'm floating when I'm not in my pit. I'm kind of outside my body. My body has no feeling. I'm not hungry and haven't been for three days. I think I've eaten about 1000 calories in three days. When I do eat, it's forced and I do it because I know people are watching me.

I think about what I face tomorrow at eight AM. I face another race. Not the one I'm currently running, where only emotions are in control. I'm facing ten miles and a bus that will scoop me if I can't hack it.

If there's ever a time a woman needs to beat a bus and cross a finish line, it's me and it's tomorrow.

Oh, God... help me.

I need to feel something other than I've been feeling for three days. I need to feel alive and like a human. I need this more than I've needed anything in a long time.