Suffering Well

No one has been promised smooth sailing in this world. It's pretty much a given that at some point we will each go through hard times. Those times can look different to each of us, but the emotions and struggles that go with the situations are the same.

I was recently reading the story of Hannah in I Samuel chapter one. It's not her whole story, but it gave me a lot of insight on how to handle suffering. In brief, Hannah lived in a time where having a child was a status symbol, a blessing really. Any woman who couldn't have children was looked down upon and thought to be cursed by God. Hannah was a woman that society loved to hate. She was married and childless. And if societal expectations weren't enough, she was bullied for years by the "other woman" in her husband's life, his second wife, Peninnah (whom he probably married because Hannah couldn't have children). After many years of painful infertility, Hannah was blessed with a child. Her child, named Samuel, later became a judge and prophet who changed the history of his nation for the good.

But first there was suffering.

If we find ourselves as Hannah did, she has given us an excellent example on how to suffer well. What is "suffering well" you ask? Suffering well is when we handle our disappointing circumstances in a way that builds our character, is done with integrity and honors the God who made us all.

What are the ways that Hannah suffered well?

1. Hannah suffered with a personal issue she was unable to change, but she remained faithful. She remained faithful to the husband who loved her. She remained faithful to her God. We read that year after year she offered sacrifices and prayed to God for her situation to change. She didn't give up. Despite her circumstances, she kept her faith and her attitude was one focused on what could happen and not what was.

2. She was bullied and took the high ground. We all have Peninnahs in our lives. Peninnahs are the people who continue to point out our flaws, who pick at us and push us when we are down. Maybe your Peninnah is a micro-managing boss on a tirade, a spouse who fails to acknowledge the work you are doing and only sees what you've missed, or a troll on social media who gets his kicks from hounding your Pinterest post about the cupcakes that looked more like blobs than the minions they should have been. Truth is, as long as there are humans there will be Peninnahs and there will be Hannahs. Hannah was bullied, wept to God and described her condition as one of "great anguish and grief." She was tired, yet we don't see her lash out at Peninnah, bad mouth her or treat Peninnah with the same treatment she received.

3. Hannah shared her condition with a close acquaintance who helped carry her burden. As humans we are made for relationship. Hannah shared her deep anguish and pain with her husband and he, in turn, suffered with her. He walked along beside her and comforted her. We're told he prayed for her and loved on her. When we suffer, we should let those who are close to us comfort us. Circumstances may not change, but we aren't alone.

Then there was good in her life.

After years of infertility, Hannah was blessed with a son. Her suffering was then part of her story. But the cool thing about Hannah was she saw the bigger picture. The story could have ended there, but it doesn't.

Hannah gave her son back to God. When he was two or three (after he was weaned), she took him to the temple where she learned she would one day become pregnant and she essentially gave her baby to the priest there and entrusted Samuel's life to God's will. As a mom I can't imagine taking either of my children and giving them to someone I barely know. But Hannah's faith was huge and through her suffering she learned that life is bigger than one person. Her suffering taught her that. Her God was bigger than her infertility and she knew her God could be trusted with her story.

Samuel later became a prophet and judge who led his people (Israel) out of a dark time in history and into a promising one. Hannah later had three more sons and two daughters, but it wasn't until after she first re-gifted what she had been given. Her gift back to God blessed a nation. Out of her suffering comes a story of hope and life.

How can we suffer well and let our stories become bigger than just us?

The Dance of Comunication

When my husband and I were talking about our wedding plans, we discussed dancing. And we discussed it again and again. You see, my husband is NOT a dancer and claims to have to left feet (I checked and he doesn’t). I on the other hand LOVE to dance. So, when we were talking about our wedding we had to compromise. Aren’t weddings a great place to practice the compromise that a marriage should have? I promised him that he’d only have to dance once with me and it would be during our first dance. But then, knowing how he felt about dancing (and not liking to be the center of attention) I took it a step further (no pun intended). I told him that during the first stanza he had to dance with me and that after that we would invite our wedding party on the floor and they would dance all around us so people wouldn’t be as focused on us anymore. He agreed to the compromise and we stuck to the terms we discussed. When the dance was over, I didn’t try and pry him back on the floor or pout that my husband only danced one song with me. Instead, I danced with our friends on the floor and he chatted with those who didn’t dance. At the end of the night, we left hand in hand with smiles on our faces (and bird seed in our hair).

Marriage is so much like a dance and communication is key to staying in step with one another. My husband and I will celebrate our five-year anniversary in July. Since our wedding day, we’ve become parents to two children. We’ve adapted our communication as our family has grown, but there are some main communication ideas that transcend any relationship.

1.     Start with respect for one another. Speak in a way that shows you respect the person with whom you are speaking and listen with the same mindset. Speak in a tone that conveys you care about how the other person feels and listen (don’t just hear) what his thoughts and opinions are on a matter.

2.     Wait for the right opportunity to have “big discussions” about important topics. Don’t throw an idea at your spouse as he is walking out the door to work or about to be away from you. Wait until the kids are in bed and you can talk face-to-face for uninterrupted time.

3.     Keep in mind that some topics take a lot of time (and many discussions) to conclude.

4.     Pick your battles. Seriously. If you are fighting over something, really examine the importance of it to you. If you realize you are arguing over something that’s less important to you than it is to your spouse then let it go. And let your spouse know WHY you are letting him “win” an argument. Make it a practice to let each other “win” as you figure out who is more passionate about the topic at hand.

5.     Before you commit yourself and your spouse to something, talk about it with that person first. Keep one calendar and talk to your spouse as you make plans. You will both feel more valued as you make each other number one when making plans.

6.     Keep your relationship baggage off social media. Seriously, can we stop this practice?? Getting a few “likes” from your girl friends as you husband-bash will only backfire on you. It’s super disrespectful to your spouse and it’s a cheap way to get attention. Just don’t do it.

7.     Lift each other up in front of each other. Compliment your husband in front of your friends. Brag on him. Go ahead and see what happens to your man’s countenance and demeanor. I promise you that you won’t be disappointed.

8.     In the same spirit, don’t tease or bash your spouse with your friends whether he is with you or not. You may say something in a moment of anger or frustration about your spouse and then later forgive him and forget about it. It’s much harder for family or friends to forgive and forget.

9.     Listen more than you speak. There’s a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. Really listen to your spouse and try not to interrupt. That’s a hard one and one that I struggle with constantly!

10.  “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as God through Christ as forgiven you.” What a great verse and such words of wisdom. At the end of the day, let kindness, compassion and forgiveness win. If you do, then you’ll both be winners in your marriage and in other relationships.

It’s hard to go from being “numero uno” to married and having to think about the other person. The true challenge is making your spouse a priority. As you shift into that mindset you will find that it really makes the dance more fun. That and a good pair of shoes!