He paused and asked a question of which I answered poorly. For if I had time to truly reflect, I might have answered more appropriately. Instead, when he asked, "does having a baby change your relationship?" I answered, "Absolutely! But for the good. You experience ultimate highs and lows and see the awesomeness in the person you married."
If I had the opportunity to think and expand on my answer, here's what I would say:
1. The is a no more intimate moment than that of birth that will bring you closer together emotionally.
I don't consider myself a prude, but prior to being spread eagle on a birthing table with 20+ people around (seriously, where do all those doctors and nurses come from so quickly?!), I wasn't one to jump in quickly to the "let's show the world my body" line. When imagining that moment of birth, I naively pictured a doctor, nurse and my husband in a room while a small child emerged from my well-covered body. No one tells you that half the hospital is present when a baby comes into the world and there is no longer such a thing as privacy. Still, in that moment, no one also tells you that all that fades. In that moment, as my baby was placed on me, there was no one else I saw except for Mike. My dear, sweet husband, with tears in his eyes, was the only other person in the room (besides our new baby). My partner and soul mate for life, this man and I had just created something so special and sealed our love even more.
2. It's the "embarrassing" moments that help seal the relationship.
In the week after having a baby, a couple experiences SO many new things. For me, I kept pausing and reflecting on moments that I couldn't imagine having or wanting to experience with ANYONE else but my partner. For example, donning those ice packs and gauze-stuffed underwear that make granny panties look sexy. Dead sexy even. About 80% of the time I emerged from the bathroom after re-stuffing and situating the fluff in my hospital underwear I couldn't help but think, "I am so glad only Mike is here" and feeling no shame in front of him as I waddled back to my bed.
3. Small actions will make you fall in love with your spouse all over again.
Mike was so supportive and took the best care of both Isaac and me when we came home. In the weeks directly after having a newborn, one experiences sleep deprivation like no other level. Sure, people warn you about it, but until you're walking in that moment (probably sleep walking), you can't truly imagine it. Several times when I felt like I had surpassed walking zombie status, Mike looked at me and said, "go take a nap." When your husband tells you this, there is no questioning and only doing. Partly because the synapses aren't firing correctly to even cognitively form the question of "are you sure?" There were several times I would wake from a two to three hour uninterrupted nap and fall madly in love with my husband all over again as I looked at him holding our baby.
4. The "worse" in your "for better or worse" vows totally applies to your spouse's reactions to your physical and emotional adjustments post-baby.
Many moments come to mind immediately here, but I'll share one. About two weeks after beginning to breastfeed, I hit an emotional and physical wall. I'd read and heard that breastfeeding could be hard, but didn't quite realize the toll it takes on the body (and I was even blessed with a baby that knew how to latch well immediately)! One evening, when my nipples' pain could be only compared to lighting and holding a match to them, I crawled into bed topless (no material was coming near those nips!) and was on the verge of tears. Mike, seeing my pain, just hugged me gently around my waist. He simply whispered, "thank you" and I knew then I could make it a little bit longer.
5. You become a team like you never thought possible.
People become closer from shared experiences. Add intimacy, embarrassment, utter joy, lack of sleep and learning new skills to those experiences and the result is an even tighter bond. Plus, that bond becomes a well-oiled machine. Whether it's juggling baby and dinner making (Mike is an amazing cook!) or figuring out how one person can get sleep while the other calms the baby, there is no better way to strengthen your team.
6. You learn or re-learn what your partner prioritizes and you let him/her lean into those priorities.
Prior to Isaac, Mike knew I liked to nap; post Isaac and he learned that I actually used naps to function. Prior to Isaac, I knew Mike liked "alone time"; post Isaac, I realized he needs that time to re-energize and have an outlet for stress. I believe that if your relationship is healthy and time allows it, then you should let your partner lean into those desires. When one's basic desires are met and priorities managed, then it makes for a happier, more-fulfilled person.
7. You learn to communicate even better.
Mike and I communicate well with each other. We listen to one another, let our opinions be fairly heard and respect what the other thinks. Having a baby makes you have to communicate better. Who would have thought there would be conversations about which bottle in the fridge should be used first or why there is an importance to completely wrapping up a soiled diaper before throwing it into the pail? Small, important details begin to emerge and handling them with communication is so key. Otherwise, one finds herself fuming for the tenth time at a poopy diaper lying open in the top of a pail. Doesn't he KNOW that not wrapping it makes it smell worse? Well, apparently not until you communicate that. Last I checked, we humans couldn't read each others' minds...thankfully!
Had one told unmarried me these thoughts I might have shrugged them off or heard them and kept trucking through life. It wouldn't be until I truly had the experience of becoming a co-parent with my soul mate that they would register with new meaning. Of course, that's how life is, isn't it? Thank God for my spouse, for the baby who has allowed us to live on a new level and for the grace allowed by each of us as we navigate these new roles.
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